How to listen to introverts

I have this terrible habit. I'm a great listener, but when it comes time to talk about myself, I find it really hard to share. Even with friends, there seems to be an unspoken checklist of criteria that needs to be met before I can open up. Must feel safe, must be somewhere not too public, must feel friend is interested in listening to me. If interrupted, abort sharing altogether.

It's lonely up there on Introvert Mountain.

But some people instinctively know how to listen to introverts. (Many of them, also introverts.) And as for everyone else? Just keep a few things in mind.

photo by Ardon LXXXIII

Ask questions. 
It's hard for me to share my private thoughts, even with the people I trust the most. I'm skittish - it's not something I'm proud of, it just is. Ask me what's going on, and if I seem to struggle for words, keep asking me questions. How does that make you feel? What do you think would happen if you didn't? Why do you think she said that? Help me sort through my own thoughts.

But also, shut up.
If I sense that you're not really interested in listening to me, or that you're distracted by something else, I'll clam up. This is also not an opportune time to make jokes (and believe me, it pains me to say that, as nearly every other moment in life could benefit from some well-timed witticisms). Just get me going and jump in with well-timed questions if the conversation lags.

Be patient.
It's okay to let the silence stretch on for a bit, I'm probably gathering my thoughts. Introverts like to have fully formed thoughts before they share them, whereas extroverts are known for thinking through their ideas and feelings aloud.

Recognize this moment's importance.
If I'm confiding in you, I need you. I'm indebted to you. I'm looking for your help and your kindness in giving me a rare outlet to share my feelings, and I want to hear your opinion, perspective, or advice. Please recognize that it's not a vulnerability I share lightly, but if you give me a bit of your time, I'll hold you in high esteem and feel bonded with you in a way I share with only a few other people. If you're looking for a way to feel closer to an introvert in your life, this is a phenomenal way, but you've got to do it right.

Make sure we're somewhere private. 
If you ask me personal questions and we're surrounded by a group of friends or coworkers within easy earshot, I'm not going to open up. It's not a rebuff on your kindness, I just don't feel comfortable knowing people might hear me. If there are people around, I'll want to speak very quietly, or move to a corner of the room. One-on-one is the best way to get an introvert to open up.


Don't change the subject.
Or interrupt. And if there's an interruption - a waitress, say, or your phone rings - encourage me to continue after it's passed. Interruptions are the easy way out for introverts. They scare us into silence and then we go back to living inside our heads. We'll be grateful forever if you turn your attention back to our problems and urge us to continue.

In the end, it might be more work to get introverts to open up and speak freely, but it's worth it. (Really - we have all kinds of interesting thoughts you might want to hear. What do you think we're doing all the time in silence?) You'll make the introverts in your life happy, you'll gain greater insight into who they are as people, and your listening skills will be as well-honed as those fine Japanese knives I can't afford.

And if none of this works, well...just make a pot of tea for us both and sit and enjoy the silence.