How to listen to introverts

I have this terrible habit. I'm a great listener, but when it comes time to talk about myself, I find it really hard to share. Even with friends, there seems to be an unspoken checklist of criteria that needs to be met before I can open up. Must feel safe, must be somewhere not too public, must feel friend is interested in listening to me. If interrupted, abort sharing altogether.

It's lonely up there on Introvert Mountain.

But some people instinctively know how to listen to introverts. (Many of them, also introverts.) And as for everyone else? Just keep a few things in mind.

photo by Ardon LXXXIII

Ask questions. 
It's hard for me to share my private thoughts, even with the people I trust the most. I'm skittish - it's not something I'm proud of, it just is. Ask me what's going on, and if I seem to struggle for words, keep asking me questions. How does that make you feel? What do you think would happen if you didn't? Why do you think she said that? Help me sort through my own thoughts.

But also, shut up.
If I sense that you're not really interested in listening to me, or that you're distracted by something else, I'll clam up. This is also not an opportune time to make jokes (and believe me, it pains me to say that, as nearly every other moment in life could benefit from some well-timed witticisms). Just get me going and jump in with well-timed questions if the conversation lags.

Be patient.
It's okay to let the silence stretch on for a bit, I'm probably gathering my thoughts. Introverts like to have fully formed thoughts before they share them, whereas extroverts are known for thinking through their ideas and feelings aloud.

Recognize this moment's importance.
If I'm confiding in you, I need you. I'm indebted to you. I'm looking for your help and your kindness in giving me a rare outlet to share my feelings, and I want to hear your opinion, perspective, or advice. Please recognize that it's not a vulnerability I share lightly, but if you give me a bit of your time, I'll hold you in high esteem and feel bonded with you in a way I share with only a few other people. If you're looking for a way to feel closer to an introvert in your life, this is a phenomenal way, but you've got to do it right.

Make sure we're somewhere private. 
If you ask me personal questions and we're surrounded by a group of friends or coworkers within easy earshot, I'm not going to open up. It's not a rebuff on your kindness, I just don't feel comfortable knowing people might hear me. If there are people around, I'll want to speak very quietly, or move to a corner of the room. One-on-one is the best way to get an introvert to open up.


Don't change the subject.
Or interrupt. And if there's an interruption - a waitress, say, or your phone rings - encourage me to continue after it's passed. Interruptions are the easy way out for introverts. They scare us into silence and then we go back to living inside our heads. We'll be grateful forever if you turn your attention back to our problems and urge us to continue.

In the end, it might be more work to get introverts to open up and speak freely, but it's worth it. (Really - we have all kinds of interesting thoughts you might want to hear. What do you think we're doing all the time in silence?) You'll make the introverts in your life happy, you'll gain greater insight into who they are as people, and your listening skills will be as well-honed as those fine Japanese knives I can't afford.

And if none of this works, well...just make a pot of tea for us both and sit and enjoy the silence.

My new mascot is a Victorian robot named Tik-Tok

There's a movie I loved as a child - a movie I still love, despite how cheesy and poorly aged it is. Return to Oz was produced in the mid-80s as a sort of B-movie sequel to The Wizard of Oz, and starring Fairuza Balk and no one else you've ever heard of.

The plot, in a nutshell: No one believes Dorothy when she says Oz was more than a dream, and in the turn-of-the-century Kansas, Aunt Em and Uncle Henry decide electroshock therapy is the way to deal with Dorothy's delusions. So Dorothy goes into this center for treatment, but there's a big storm, and yaddy yaddy, she ends up back in Oz, which lies in ruin.

Dr. Worley and the electroshock therapy machine. 

One of the characters Dorothy meets in the ruined Oz is a wind-up mechanical soldier called Tik-Tok. He needs to be wound-up every so often to keep functioning. He's got separate mechanisms for thought, speech, and action. Sometimes his action mechanism will wind down first, but he can think and speak. Other times his thought runs out first, but he can move and speak gibberish.

I feel like Tik-Tok tonight. And it occurs to me that he's the perfect metaphor for introversion. 

Jack Pumpkinhead: If his brain's ran down, how can he talk? 
Dorothy: It happens to people all the time, Jack.

After a long day at work, I came home and wrote a condolence letter to a friend. I found out over Christmas that his wife of several decades had passed away a few months ago. She was someone who had always treated me with kindness and respect, and I felt I should tell him how much knowing her had improved my life. 

Writing a letter like that is emotionally draining. But when I was done, I caught up on the phone with an old, dear friend. We hadn't talked in months, there was a lot to cover. It was wonderful to talk to her and learn about her life, but eventually, I started to feel like Tik-Tok. 

Like my capacity for speech had just run out. Now here I sit, filled with thoughts, but I don't have the energy to converse. Only to write. 

I'll go to bed tonight, recharge, and wake up ready to make small talk. Ready to go to coworkers with the many questions I have about projects I'm working on. Ready to smile and laugh and be charming, when possible. But tonight, that mechanism has completely run out of energy. 

Remember that - introverts like people just fine. But if you come across someone who's being surly and irritable whenever you try to talk to them, they may have just run out of steam. Chances are, if you leave them alone for a while, able to sit in silence or with headphones on, they'll wind themselves back up and be perfectly pleasant a little later. 

And as for Tik-Tok, everyone should watch Return to Oz. If only for this reason: 

How to care for introverts

This has been floating around for a while - I've seen it several times now - but it always bears repeating.

*Respect their need for privacy.

*Never embarrass them in public.

*Let them observe first in new situations.

*Give them time to think. Don't demand instant answers.

*Don't interrupt them.

*Give them advanced notice of expected changes in their lives.

*Give them 15 minute warnings to finish whatever they are doing before calling them to dinner or moving on to the next activity.

*Reprimand them privately.

*Teach them new skills privately rather than in public.

*Enable them to find one best friend who has similar interests and abilities; encourage this relationship even if the friend moves.

*Do not push them to make lots of friends.

*Respect their introversion. Don't try to remake them into extroverts.

The funny thing about this list is that most of these things are just instructions on how not to act like a jerk. Reprimand people privately? I can't imagine anyone wouldn't appreciate that courtesy. 

Nature's introverts.

cat tail by blhphotography

Cats must have incredible inner lives.